Happy Birthday Letter

We lose people we love,

a take for granted fact of life,

we grieve and hopefully,

learn to live better

because of it...

In honor of my best friend's Jennifers birthday

I am wearing my candy necklace,

adding pinwheels to my garden

and reposting this letter

from February 2009.

Dear Jennifer,

I started this journey with you

promising myself

to trust and believe in miracles

to raise you up

and make you most important

someone in my life!

To hold on to the most insignificant

moments like shiney silver treasures,

to be strong and the most

necessary kind of friend,

a guarantee there

would be no doubt you were

absolutely loved!

Yet, I write this knowing you

won’t ever see it...

and I am weighted with wishes

I didn’t even know I would have

such a surprise collection

of raw regrets

I had tried to avoid...and didn't

so I say this...

Dear Jennifer,

I wish I would have kissed

your face more

and held your hands in random affection

I wish I had a 100 things

with your handwriting on it,

I wish the obvious like

finishing the cancer coloring book

and that you could have seen

Dashing Deliah in print.

I wish when you asked me

to tell you what I wanted of yours,

I would have boldly handed you a list...

ONLY, so you would have been touched by the

silly things I valued as parts of you!

I wish I had hours of you recorded

telling me what you wanted and

dreamed of and were afraid of.

I wish every time we had talked

I would have been courageous

enough to ask

“what frightens you today?”

or tell me something important...!

I wish I would have stayed

with you in Chicago that winter,

when you were so lonely and scared.

I wish I didn’t think it was enough

just to take your calls at any hour or

make you a CD of songs

so you would stop

watching the DVD

or that sending you a warm jacket

could remotely make up

for my not being there!

I wish I would have payed attention

more to the moments and the days,

slipping away.

I wish I could have heard

what you were telling me

when you said you didn’t

want a calendar this year.

To have seen it more fleeting

and in a brave way

than the “optimistically denial” way.

I wish, I didn’t think you would

beat this and there’d always

be more time, another day

another phone call, another race.

I wish I hadn’t made so many excuses

for not stopping by

and just pushed past them,

(maybe even knocking him down

in the process.)

I wish when you called that last saturday

I would have kept you talking

as long as you could,

and had known

how important that was.

I wish I had remembered

your chenile robe request earlier and said

I am coming even tho you said don’t.

Wish I had known the last time

I hugged you was the 'last time'

...but we never really do do we?

What I don’t have to wish for

is more pictures of you,

gratefully, we have thousands.

Don’t need to wish I had a

handwritten card that

said you loved me

I have that,

or some symbol of you I can wear

I have that as well.

I don’t have to wish for more memories

because three years of

your friendship gave that.

I don’t have to wish I said

I love you more, cause I did...

every chance I got.

Don’t have to wish

I knew how you felt about life and stuff

cause I do I really do!

Or that you were

surrounded by love and laughter

because you were, beyond so!

I don’t have to wish I knew

someone like you...

cause I did.

Dear Jennifer,

I wish you could have stayed longer

and paddled more oceans of turtles with us

and drank a vineyard of wine

(tho we came close)

and lie awake all night, giggling

until we couldn’t breathe

and nothing else matters

but that moment

of such hialrious joy

we were unable to name it

or remember it the next day.

Jen, you were my boat and my anchor

my safe place to land, my voice of reason

my "get over yourself" voice

my crush, my counsel and my confidant,

my best friend!

Dear Jennifer

I wish you a heaven full of stars

each one being someone your

life flashed on with your fiesty brightness

the ones who probably heard you say

this is just the way it is...

next! mmmHMM!

I wish you a giant swing in the sky

with the biggest “wheees” possible.

Dear Jennifer, Happy Birthday!

know I still miss you every day!

Do you have a best friend you adore?

For me, for Jennifer...tell them,

and don't delay...

"tomorrows" just a fleeting illusion!

Pam Piper Rain