Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Skin, My Storyboard

Went to sleep without it...
and woke up with it!

An odd design
scratched on my forearm!
Ooookaaay? This is weird!

Slept sober and alone
Where did this mark come from of three cats'
Bookshelf corner...
taking out the trash, while
sleep alien visit...?

As the days pass, its clear
its not a scratch but a claw mark...
a shredded-edged shape of a capital E!

Yes, really!
When my friend, Mandy saw it
or tried to ignore seeing it...
she finally asked,
"is that a capital E on your arm?"

Considering, I scar so easily,
I know it's with me for life!
And, I am less than thrilled!

So...when something surprising,
without explanation...
shows up on your body
it's a cause for pause...
don't you think?
And a blog?
I started off writing this in jest
but the words took me
somewhere else!
In a raw revealing account
about my skin!

Being part poet, part philosopher,
(and secretly and devotedly
curious of the "mystic" ways of things.)
Everything has to have a meaning
It's where I go!
It's where I have to go.

My skin!

Such issues,
such a life long history
of trauma and drama,
of scratching myself raw,
of trying to hide it
and not hiding it at all!
The skin,
(metaphorically and literally)
is that which holds it "all together,"
sheathing the soul and the spirit,
keeper of the cells and blood,
protector of organs.
Our skin, our presentation,
our persona, our layout,
it never lies tho we wish it to,
it is our canvas, our book cover.
That which we abuse
and value equally,
our vanity, our looks...
and to most of us?
(me included,)... Our identity!

When it sags and wrinkles
we are surprised, shocked
and sort of sad.
With desperation,
some of us, try to recover it,
renew it.
Breathe life and youth, back into it,
at whatever costly way it takes!
Cause WE know for certain
WE CAN NOT let it express
it's natural change or the journey
of our passing years!
We just can't!

I think of this a bit!
More so, lately, as the lines start
to show in places, I just now notice.
As the fifty mark is passed
and it turns into fifty plus one.
Right behind it...fifty plus two!
Lines of time,
I don't readily embrace either!

But for me there, is something else!
The multi speckled worm like
patch work along both arms,
from wrist to elbow,
the scars that turn zombie blue
in the winter's chill
and ghost white in the summer sun!
Either way, I can't hide them!
The shame of my skins' story is told!
The years of self destruction?
Is evident and full of truth!

by the many times
the naively impolite
and intrusive questioner,
has asked,
"what happened to your skin?"

There is no ONE answer!

Yet, I like to think of them as
the "warriors tattoos"
of my life's' walk?
Why not!

My skin, is my road map,
the story board...
telling the tales of me as
a bad skinned teen,
who learned how
to look at the world thru her hair
a master at 'no eye contact'
to keep me, "falsely" safe!
A cutter, with razor bladed words,
carved into left and right wrists...
again and again,
which thankfully do not show up
(in white OR blue letters!)
Then there was the' reckless
young borderline'
woman who thought
punching glass windows and tables,
was an effective appropriate way
to release rage
and make people see
how much you FELT!!!
(...This didn't work on any level.
But I didn't know that until
so much later.)

All these things left me with
a patchwork tapestry of scars!
My surface, spotted like a snow leopard.
Tan and soft, but damaged.
Like a connect the dot game!
Wondering what image
would be revealed
if a line was drawn from dot to dot?
In winter as one color,
in summer as another!

In the same conversation,
Mandy suggested maybe
we could find the big dipper
on my arms?
Having embraced her moles as the
little dipper on her face, she happily
claims herself, to be "a star child" now)

Now, it appears,
in addition to my spots,
I have an awkward looking E
with a creative top heavy slant.
One I am sure I gave myself
in my sleep,
In an attempt to
"get out, of my skin...mid dream!

So would that be E for eerie?
E for eek?
E for "easy going"...ha, NOT likely
(tho I wish!)
E for emotional, maybe error
or empty or extreme
and exhausting!

Branded by angels
in the middle of the night?
Marked with an E...
To be reminded I 'might BE...'
engaging, expanding, eloquent,
E for enlightened, enjoyable,
entertaining, enthusiastic, evolved,
maybe even E for extraordinary
or excellent!
Why not?
(like the story of Charlotte's Web
and Wilbur.)

Because the way my skin heals
and doesn't,
I'll have a scar either way
and it needs a meaning...
and I want it to mean, 'Excellent"
(in blue and in white...!)
Cause I would rather
believe in the "mystic"
of being divinely marked
then my old unconscious habit of
trying to scrape me free...of me!!

So Thank you brand marking angels
but no more...please
this, one more scar
in my dot to dot map
of the warriors' snow lepoard journey enough!
Although, an E is a very good letter,

But what if it's really a Y...
Y for yikes or yuck?
Hmm, either way,
I am keeping my nails
super short from now on!

Pam Piper Rain