Sunday, February 17, 2013

Dear Jennifer

We lose people we love,
it is 'a take for granted' fact of life,
we grieve on and on,
but hopefully,
we eventually are called 
to learn to live better
because of it.
I did!

In honor of my best friend, Jennifer.
I  often wear candy bracelets,
blow bubbles everywhere I go, 
have a swing set in my back yard, 
put pinwheels on anything,
which led to an event called 
'Paddles and Pinwheels' in her honor!
AND I repost this letter
every February.

Feb. 17, 2009

Dear Jennifer,

I started this journey with you
promising myself
to trust and believe in miracles
to raise you up
and make you most important
someone in my life!
To hold on to the most insignificant
moments like shiney silver treasures,
to be strong and the most
necessary kind of friend,
a guarantee there
would be no doubt you were
absolutely loved!

Yet, I write this knowing you
won’t ever see it...
and I am weighted with wishes
I didn’t even know I would have
such a surprise collection
of raw regrets
I had tried to avoid...and somehow...didn't.
So I say this...

Dear Jennifer,
I wish I would have kissed
your face more
and held your hands in random affection
I wish I had a 100 things
with your handwriting on it,
I wish the obvious like
finishing the cancer coloring book
and that you could have seen 
your cartoon self,
'Dashing Deliah' in print.
I wish when you asked me
to tell you what I wanted of yours,
I would have boldly handed you a list...
ONLY, so you would have been touched by the
silly things I valued as parts of you!

I wish I had hours of you recorded
telling me what you wanted and
dreamed of and were afraid of.
I wish every time we had talked
I would have been courageous
enough to ask
“what frightens you today?”
or tell me something important...!
I wish I would have stayed
with you in Chicago that winter,
when you were so lonely and scared.
I wish I didn’t think it was enough
just to take your calls at any hour or
make you a CD of songs
so you would stop
watching the DVD
or that sending you a warm jacket
could remotely make up
for my not being there!
I wish I would have payed attention
more to the moments and the days,
slipping away.

I wish I could have heard
what you were telling me
when you said you didn’t
want a calendar this year.
To have seen it more fleeting
and in a brave way
than the “optimistically denial” way.
I wish, I didn’t think you would
beat this and there’d always
be more time, another day
another phone call, another race.

I wish I hadn’t made so many excuses
for not stopping by
and just pushed past them,
(maybe even knocking him down
in the process.)
I wish when you called that last Saturday
I would have kept you talking
as long as you could,
and had known
how important that was.
I wish I had remembered
your chenille robe request earlier and said
'I am coming,' even tho you said, 'don’t.'
Wish I had known the last time
I hugged you was the 'last time'
...but we never really do do we?

What I don’t have to wish for
is more pictures of you,
gratefully, we have thousands.
Don’t need to wish I had a
handwritten card that
said you loved me
I have that,
or some symbol of you I can wear
I have that as well, your silver paddle.
I don’t have to wish for more memories
because three years of
your friendship gave that.
I don’t have to wish I said
I love you more, cause I did...
every chance I got.
Don’t have to wish
I knew how you felt about life and stuff
cause I do I really do!
Or that you were
surrounded by love and laughter
because you were, beyond so!
I don’t have to wish I knew
someone like you...
cause I did.

Dear Jennifer,
I wish you could have stayed longer
and paddled oceans of turtles with us
and drank a vineyard of wine
(tho we came close)
and lie awake all night, giggling
until we couldn’t breathe
and nothing else matters
but that moment
of such hilarious joy
we were unable to name it
or remember it the next day.

Jen, you were my anchor
my safe haven, my voice of reason
my "get over it" voice
my 'crush', my counsel and my confidant,
my teammate, my best friend, 
my hero!

Dear Jennifer
I wish you a heaven full of stars,
each one being someone your
life flashed on with your feisty brightness
I wish you, free from all that ever held you back
and a giant swing in the sky
with the biggest “wheees” possible.

Your Friend, Pam

I believe in the magic, 
and the divine unexplainable mysteries of life, 
as well, as being a subscriber to the 'gifts' of those 
who can call forward the many 
who have crossed the boundaries of heaven and earth. 
Because of that, I am pleased to say I know 
that Jennifer is very happy being an angel 
and is always, ALWAYS with me cause 
she said she finds me "so interesting." 
She laughed after saying this.