We lose people we love,
a take for granted fact of life,
we grieve and hopefully,
learn to live better
because of it...
In honor of my best friend's Jennifers birthday
I am wearing my candy necklace,
adding pinwheels to my garden
and reposting this letter
from February 2009.
I started this journey with you
to trust and believe in miracles
to raise you up
and make you most important
someone in my life!
To hold on to the most insignificant
moments like shiney silver treasures,
to be strong and the most
necessary kind of friend,
a guarantee there
would be no doubt you were
Yet, I write this knowing you
won’t ever see it...
and I am weighted with wishes
I didn’t even know I would have
such a surprise collection
of raw regrets
I had tried to avoid...and didn't
so I say this...
I wish I would have kissed
your face more
and held your hands in random affection
I wish I had a 100 things
with your handwriting on it,
I wish the obvious like
finishing the cancer coloring book
and that you could have seen
Dashing Deliah in print.
I wish when you asked me
to tell you what I wanted of yours,
I would have boldly handed you a list...
ONLY, so you would have been touched by the
silly things I valued as parts of you!
I wish I had hours of you recorded
telling me what you wanted and
dreamed of and were afraid of.
I wish every time we had talked
I would have been courageous
enough to ask
“what frightens you today?”
or tell me something important...!
I wish I would have stayed
with you in Chicago that winter,
when you were so lonely and scared.
I wish I didn’t think it was enough
just to take your calls at any hour or
make you a CD of songs
so you would stop
watching the DVD
or that sending you a warm jacket
could remotely make up
for my not being there!
I wish I would have payed attention
more to the moments and the days,
I wish I could have heard
what you were telling me
when you said you didn’t
want a calendar this year.
To have seen it more fleeting
and in a brave way
than the “optimistically denial” way.
I wish, I didn’t think you would
beat this and there’d always
be more time, another day
another phone call, another race.
I wish I hadn’t made so many excuses
for not stopping by
and just pushed past them,
(maybe even knocking him down
in the process.)
I wish when you called that last saturday
I would have kept you talking
as long as you could,
and had known
how important that was.
I wish I had remembered
your chenile robe request earlier and said
I am coming even tho you said don’t.
Wish I had known the last time
I hugged you was the 'last time'
...but we never really do do we?
What I don’t have to wish for
is more pictures of you,
gratefully, we have thousands.
Don’t need to wish I had a
handwritten card that
said you loved me
I have that,
or some symbol of you I can wear
I have that as well.
I don’t have to wish for more memories
because three years of
your friendship gave that.
I don’t have to wish I said
I love you more, cause I did...
every chance I got.
Don’t have to wish
I knew how you felt about life and stuff
cause I do I really do!
Or that you were
surrounded by love and laughter
because you were, beyond so!
I don’t have to wish I knew
someone like you...
cause I did.
I wish you could have stayed longer
and paddled more oceans of turtles with us
and drank a vineyard of wine
(tho we came close)
and lie awake all night, giggling
until we couldn’t breathe
and nothing else matters
but that moment
of such hialrious joy
we were unable to name it
or remember it the next day.
Jen, you were my boat and my anchor
my safe place to land, my voice of reason
my "get over yourself" voice
my crush, my counsel and my confidant,
my best friend!
I wish you a heaven full of stars
each one being someone your
life flashed on with your fiesty brightness
the ones who probably heard you say
this is just the way it is...
I wish you a giant swing in the sky
with the biggest “wheees” possible.
Dear Jennifer, Happy Birthday!
know I still miss you every day!
Do you have a best friend you adore?
For me, for Jennifer...tell them,
and don't delay...
"tomorrows" just a fleeting illusion!
Pam Piper Rain